The Loony Bin

The other day we had to take Hien to the mental hospital to answer questions to prove she was mentally fit to marry. They ask questions like, "which is brighter, the sun or the moon?"

The place was choked with heavily medicated vietnamese mentals wandering around or being led. The doctors run the hospital much the same as eveything else is run here- hectically and messily. No rhyme or reason that i saw- some orderlies were running around in a frantic, while others sat around and did absolutely nothing.

Suddenly My realized the time. We needed to get back so we could get Hien's fiance to the airport, pronto. So we literally hoofed it out of there, running full speed through the halls, virtually leaping over stunned, blathering patients. Everyone stopped and stared at the big white man and the viet girl with cornrows racing through and out of the mental hospital.

I'm still laughing about it. It couldn't have been scripted better.

Antique Street

60's Viet Sheet Music
Originally uploaded by toy ghost

Last week i discovered a goldmine of great old stuff. There's a hidden side street in downtown Saigon that is all antique stores.

Most of the stores carry items that were looted from the French when they left- beautiful phonograph players, antique rosewood bookcases, candelabras, silver, wooden screens, and all kinds of artwork. I bought several sweet french antique oil lamps. The glass isn't uniform in its thickness, so you know it's old.

Other stores are more like "junk" stores, except that's where all the really cool stuff is. Old metal signs, vietnamese records, instruments, photographs, tons of printed material. I bought a bunch of old vietnamese sheet music.

It was disturbing to see how many cameras are in the stores. They are cool and all, but I can't help but think that most of them were stolen from American soldiers and correspondents. There are also many engraved zippo lighters and wristwatches, definitely stolen from American soldiers- possibly taken from dead American soldiers. I even saw highschool class rings from highschools in Iowa. Creepy.

Suoi Tien on Cracked.com

I was looking at cracked.com randomly and noticed that Suoi Tien in Saigon is #5 on cracked's Top 9 Most Baffling Theme Parks From Around the World.

Way to go Vietnam!!

Phai di honey do di do.

My prefers that i drive everywhere, because she feels people think she's a prostitute if she drives me. I wish sometimes she'd drive, because she gives vague, and sometimes late directions.

Today I was driving along and My suddenly slapped me and pointed furiously and said what sounded like "fie-dee-honey-doody-daw!"

I had to stop the bike entirely. "Fie-dee-honey-doody-daw?" What the hell is a DOODY-daw?

I figured out what she was saying. "Phai(right) di(go) honey(me) do(do it) di(go) do(there)."

I've been laughing about it ever since. Fie-dee-honey-doody-daw, indeed.

Phun

I really could've saved my parents a lot of time and money if this was out when i was a kid. All i ever really wanted for christmas was a 2-D Physics Sandbox . I can't stop playing with it. I made a steamboat that runs, and a waterfall that replenishes itself. So much phun.

See the video here.

I killed it with Whiskey.

Yes , it's dead. And I killed it with whiskey. Could've just been it's time to go, but I'm giving the liquor the glory. It was a sweet pill too.

Let this be lesson. Whenever you're in doubt or waivering, whenever you've fallen to your knees because there's been no where else to go, use your last ditch effort to say "Yes, I CAN!"

and kill it with whiskey.

General's Letter From the Field

March 1, 2008. 6:43 PM

The disease has dug in deeper than I had thought, and defies our every attempt to remove it from its position. I have never encountered so crafty- so resolved- an enemy. Stocks are dwindling, morale plummeting.

But before I surrender my sword to this vile enemy, I have one last plan of battle:

HEAVY DRINKING. That's right, I'm calling in General Johnnie Walker. Firebomb the foxholes. If doctors and medicine can't help me, I'll kill it myself, goddammit! It can't make it any worse.

The enemy is in front of us, and behind us. They are to our right and on our left.

This time they will not get away.

Inner Space

So i got some crazy vietnamese medicine for my illness, and i wonder if the bottle lists "brain teleportation" as a side effect, because i think i've lost it. Last night while laying in bed I convinced myself that I'd discovered the cure for gravity, as well as linear, physics-based travel. I was in deep. They really should've warned me. I'm not sure how much more of this weirdo disease I can take.

On the whole though, I'm feeling better, so don't worry too much.

Another thing

Robbery has been a hot topic recently. Hien's fiance got his cellphone stolen, as did Trang. Trang had spent all her savings , $400, on her new phone, only to have it stolen out of her pocket.

A couple weeks ago, My and I went to have coffee with this guy who had called her up. He was a friend of a friend, and My had only met him twice. So when we got there he was all weird that i was there, so i guessed he had wanted to be alone with her. He asked to use her phone because his battery was dead, took it into the hall, and we never saw him again.

Is the world such a bitch that we have to steal our friends' phones to get by? Is it really that rough? What a jerk.

Serious Hurt

Things have been rough lately. I've been really ill with the Jomba Womba Blackwater Fungal Virus for the past four days. I've been hallucinating like crazy. I woke up the other night convinced i was on an alien world, participating in some sort of alien death sport. I seriously did not remember where i was for twenty minutes, and it really scared me. At another point I thought I had two different identities/ manifestations and I could switch in and out of the two different bodies at will. Both were really sick.

Last night at some point, some guy climbed three stories up the side of the house and crept into the room in which we were sleeping and stole my camera and two phones. I have no idea when this happened. I wasn't sleeping much, so it surprises me i didn't wake up. The German Shepard was right outside the bedroom door.

So adding insult to injury, there will be no more photos until i get another camera.

Oh yeah, I also have this tight deadline on a project i haven't started. Last night i got a computer virus because My wanted to see Paris Hilton naked, and the computer won't start. So hooray for me.

I'm going back to bed.

Except I won't sleep, if not because of the Voodoo-Swamprot-Fever i have, then because of the noise the neighbors are making with their new karaoke get-up they bought using the money they got from selling my camera.

Nga

Nga is a girl who lives here. She is from the countryside in the mountains outside of Hue. She has a bubble wrap fetish, and she shares Hien's attraction to the Godfather Theme- so she walks around the house popping bubble wrap and humming the Godfather theme.

But that's neither here nor there.

In the countryside of Vietnam, daughters still fetch a price from the groom. Since the bride's family is losing a fine, sturdy work animal, they need something in return, you know?

So listen up parents- this is what your daughter is worth:

10 cows.
5 ducks.
$30,000,000 dong ($2000)

This is how much a person is worth. If Nga gets married, this is what her family gets.

You might be in Vietnam if...

There is ice in your beer. On purpose.

There is a duck's tongue in your soup. On purpose.

When large trucks back up, you hear them play "jingle bells" as an alarm.

There are 2-3 unknown people living in your house.

Everywhere you go, you see random playing cards scattered on the pavement.

Your living room is clogged with motorbikes.

You hear "we wish you a merry christmas" as someone's ringtone.

People steal your dog to eat it.

People steal your cat to eat it.

Vietnamese Grilled Mussels

Do yourself a favor and try this. It's way easy.

Get a bunch of your favorite fresh bivalves on a half shell. I recommend mussels, but clams will do. Set them aside.

Sautee some green onions in some oil (or butter) and drizzle all that on the mussels. Then crush some black pepper in a small dish and generously squirt lime juice all over that and mix it together- for the dipping. Add some crushed chilis if you like that.

Then place the mussles on the grill (still in the shell) and grill them for a bit. While you're doing that, roast some peanuts in the oven. Crush the peanuts and sprinkle them on the mussels when they look done. Add some cilantro if you like.

Ngon lam- an di!

Engrish Songs

Southeast Asians don't know alot of songs in english, but the ones they do know they like A LOT. Here's a countdown of the top favorites in Vietnam.

4.) Country Roads- John Denver
I don't understand the appeal. It's an old, fairly obscure, bad song. I guess it's not horrible, but nothing explains to me why every single person in Vietnam knows the words.

3.) Zombie- The Cranberries
Again, I don't get it. It's one of those songs I was done with in the first few listenings back in the 90's. They go batty over this song here, and i even learned it on guitar to satisfy all the requests for it. If I hear it one more time, I'm offing myself.

2.) Hello- Lionel Richie
Finally something i can get behind. I'd prefer "Easy", but I'll take what i can get.
At least once a day I hear somone singing this song. I think they like this song because it's a sad love song in a minor key. For some reason that strikes a chord with these people.

1.) Hotel California- The Eagles
I swear to God, if I have a nemesis in this world, this song is it. I have heard this song so many times here, I have developed an intense, living relationship with it. I have analyzed the grammar in every verse, I have conversations with it, and i think i could sing it word for word, back to front. It dwells in the dark domain of my nightmares, and I am interred in its prison of torment.

I stab it with my steely knife but i just can't kill the beast.

The Mekong Delta

We went to Ben Tre in the Mekong Delta for a couple days to visit an unending string of relatives.

Life in the Mekong Delta progresses at the pace of a retarded, pregnant water buffalo. In fact, you have to use time lapse photography to make sure it's moving at all. It's a vietnamese farmer's life there- not a single luxury. My's relatives have all manner of food animals, fruit trees, and random thatched buildings, though. While out exploring the grounds, I felt like I was going to stumble upon a squad of G.I.s with zippos, kicking pigs out of their way- it was just like the movies.

At one point I was stuck drinking with an uncle and his buddies while My went off to gut a chicken or something. These unruly characters virtually forced me to drink from an unmarked bottle. They said it was vodka, but brother, it AIN'T vodka. No vodka looks like pond water. Then i realized that the heap of meat in a bowl on the table was actually a barbecued goat head. Who eats a goat head? Gross, guys.

Then the uncle scooped out the eyes and plopped them in my bowl. He told me - through sign language- that if I ate them, I'd get an erection (?). I guess he meant I'd be all virile. Nevertheless, my running rule is that if I know it's an eyeball, and I watch it being plucked from the socket, I don't eat it.

Later I discovered that I was sitting amidst a group of Former Viet Cong guerrilas. They were very proud and excited to tell me- one of them ran home to get his medals. "See?- I killed me a buncha you guys!"

The whole scene took on a surreal quality for me. Here I was in the middle of the Vietnamese countryside, the only American in the company of six drunk, unpredictable Viet Cong freedom fighters. It felt like that scene in The Deerhunter, except I was saved by lunch before the pistols came out.

They all were nice enough though. None of them were at all phased to learn that I was American. Not a flinch from any of them. That seems really strange to me. I wish I could crawl into their heads and see what's really going on.

Chuc Mung Nam Moi!

Chuc Mung Nam Moi!
Originally uploaded by toy ghost

It's officially the year of the rat. You wouldn't believe the amount of Mickey Mouse rip-off merchandise.

Last year was the year of the golden pig. It only comes around once in a hundred years, and it's supposed to be very lucky for the person who is born during it. Consequently, couples got pretty busy last year- so busy that come year end, the hospitals were full. They had to turn people away.


This year is the Earth Rat. This is a picture of me as a Fire Rabbit, before i realized I am actually a Wood Rabbit. I was crushed - fire rabbits rule.

The Fruit!

I'm posting this so I can make a list of the fruits that I see on a daily basis. I eat at least five of these each day.

Pineapple, Soursop, Oranges, Limes, Clementines, Rambutan, Durian, Jackfruit, Strawberries, Apples, Cherries, Mangosteens, Dragon Fruit, Passion Fruit, Star Fruit, Bananas, Longan, Lychee, Star Apple, Mango, Green Mango, Polemo, Sapodilla, Papaya, Custard Apple (yum), Guava, Watermelon, Water Apple.

That's not all i'm sure. I keep discovering new ones, and some I don't know the names of yet.

Suoi Tien

Originally uploaded by toy ghost

Check your sanity at the door kids, you are now entering Saigon's only insanity-themed amusement park, Suoi Tien.

Take every crazy dream and fantasy you've had about Asia, and add a generous dose of Alice in Wonderland, and you've got Suoi Tien. I felt like i was walking into an Asian version of Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory.

They've got buildings shaped like dragons, enormous turtles, a waterpark inside a mountain, a Unicorn Palace, the Forest of the Magician's Kingdom, rollercoasters that go underground, and an Imperial Dream Castle.

They even have a haunted pagoda where you can descend into Vietnamese hell.

After experiencing Vietnamese Hell, I have come to the conclusion that Vietnamese haunted houses are the scariest haunted houses ever conceived. I have several reasons for that.

1). The confusion factor. I don't understand what these demons are screaming at me. If i understood, perhaps i could reason with them.

2.) The Vietnamese have a different scale on which to judge scariness. It has to be damn frightenening to pass as scary in Vietnam.

3.) The special effects are so low budget, I'm not even sure they're special effects. That girl's entrails looked really convincing.

After that I had to chill out by visiting the Crocodile Kingdom, where i relaxed by feeding vicious maneating crocodiles pork livers on the end of a stick.

Cu Mum

This boy is My's sister's kid. His name is Mum. But that's not his real name. Mum is short for "Cu Mum", which translates to, no joke, "Odd Penis".

Apparently he's got a strange looking penis, or at least he did as a baby, and the women in the family wouldn't let it go. So here he is at thirteen, still unable to shake this awful nickname. I think I'd disown my family for that. Whenever he's talking to girls he has to answer to "Odd Penis" when his family talks to him. It's such a tragedy.

Banh Chung

Banh Chung
Originally uploaded by toy ghost

Banh Chung is a traditional food for Tet. It's a "cake" of sorts, made from pork, green beans, and rice- all wrapped up in banana leaves and steamed. The packages are cooked over a fire in a huge aluminum cooker for 20 hours. Then they are offered as gifts to friends and family for new year.

My's mom made tons of these. She's the only one in the family that knows how to make them. When she's gone, there'll be no more Banh Chung. I asked My why she never learned.

"I'm not around much."

Sounds like a cop out.

Thank you for grabbing my tit.

The french word "beaucoup" sounds dangerously close to the vietnamese words "bop yeu" ( lit. "grab tit"). So to the untrained vietnamese ear, "merci beaucoup" might as well be "thanks for grabbing my tit." Whenever someone says "merci beaucoup", Na tattles to her mom, because that's just vulgar.

Singing Battles

Every morning here, without fail, someone in the house will start singing some vietnamese song. Then Hien, in another room, starts singing another tune of her choosing. Then this girl Nga who lives here gets infected and is compelled to sing another song. Soon the house sounds like a Vietnamese radio that's been tuned in between stations.

I've learned my own Vietnamese song so that i don't feel left out.

Great to be a Vampire

We were biking through the jungle on Phu Quoc, both silent and lost in our thoughts, when My suddenly spoke up.

"Great to be vampire here , huh?"

"ummm....wait- what did you just say??"

"Great to be a vampire here. You can go at night, hunting animal, drink their blood."

Weirdo. It was like i was talking to Nicole Linde for a minute there.

My also has a uniquely colorful way of expressing herself sometimes. Even if she doesn't know the right words to say, the story still goes on. One time she was trying to tell a story about an exotic dancer. She said, "you know the girl who dances in the tree?"

"umm...no." I must admit, I've never seen, heard of, or even thought about a girl dancing in a tree. Then i realized she was talking about pole dancing. The story went on from there, but I was was still stuck pondering the image of a girl dancing in a tree. I still don't recall the rest of the story.

Phu Quoc

Phu Quoc
Originally uploaded by toy ghost

Just got back from a four-day trip to Phu Quoc Island, and whether i needed an attitude adjustment or not, i got one. I'm looser than Granma's underpants.

Whenever I start raving about somewhere i go, My gives me a dismissive look and says, "Howell likes every place." Well, I suppose that's mostly true. Howell likes a lot of things. That being said, here it goes:

Phu Quoc is a piece of gold. It's wildly beautiful, the water is warm and clear as bath water, the people are inviting, and the beaches and snorkeling are world-class. But the thing that sets Phu Quoc apart from a Thai or Hawaiian island is not its beauty- it's the fact that there's nobody there. Phu Quoc has, until now, virtually avoided almost any tourism. It is completely off the tourist circuit, so much that many people don't even know it exists. Granted, there are a few resorts and places to rent bungalows. But for the most part the roads are unpaved, and daily island life goes on undisturbed.

My and I spent most of the time exporing the beaches, waterfalls and jungle. The jungle is full of monkeys and wild pig, and the trees are crawling with orchids. Although i never read any literature about it, My also insists there are tigers. All along the coast of Phu Quoc are little fishing villages where you can buy fish. We bought My's Dad a huge bag of dried squid. It's all you, Duc. Eat up.

One evening on the beach we happened upon a family roasting a Phu Quoc wild pig who insisted we join them. All we had to do was help them reel in their fishing boats, using a foot-pedaled wooden pully.

If you go to Pok Pok on Division in Portland, you can try their delicious Phu Quoc chicken wings. The only difference between Pok Pok and Phu Quoc is that in Phu Quoc they use REAL Phu Quoc fish sauce, which blows Pok Pok's sauce out of the water. Try them anyway. They're great.

Now I'm back in Saigon, gearing up for Tet. The excitement is building, and you can feel it everywhere. I for one am very excited. It's going to be really fun.

Kwassaki

Kwassaki
Originally uploaded by toy ghost

Yep. You saw it here first, folks. KwASSaki.

The New House

My's new house is what I might call Neo-Retro Viet Chic. It is at once like a Venice beach house from the eighties and a vietnamese spaceship. It's built like a tree- straight up. The stairway (stem) the goes straight up the middle has landings (nodes) at half-floors that lead to bedrooms and bathrooms (branches). I love it. It gets lots of light, it has great cross-ventilation, and dammit, i feel like i'm in a spaceship!

More photos later. I'm going to the beach.

The Build-up in Traffic

Ok, about the traffic. It has become all kinds of wrong. It's like high-stakes gambling every time I get on the road. All the new cars and trucks are making the roads extremely dangerous.

First of all, people are driving cars as if they were motorbikes- meaning that they don't follow any rules and jockey for position the same as everyone else. Whereas before you might be riding along, and all of a sudden a motorbike came right at you against traffic- Now you have to contend with a less shy SUV. It's also harrowing yet thrilling when you have to thread the needle between a bus and a truck and get through before one merges in front of another. It's all utter madness. John Woo or Ringo Lam should film an action movie here.

There's been no great attempt at a mass transit system here yet. Whatever is in place is a rusting heap of sadness in a failure sauce. Saigon needs an elevated train NOW.

Hoogo map qua...

While going around town saying hi to My's relatives and friends, I've noticed that there's a trend to their reactions to seeing me. Almost across the board, the first thing they say is something like, "Hoogo map qua" (Howell's all fat). So I've gained a few pounds... I mean, it IS possible my gut might be getting large enough to have its own name. Then they might add the fact that I'm fish-belly white. So, I'm a fat white man.

Apparently that's a good thing here. They love fat. And white too, actually. So really it's a compliment. Although I'll be lean and brown pretty soon.

Phu Quoc

My and I got tickets to fly to Phu Quoc Island tomorrow. They call it Phu Quoc, but I refer to it as Phu Q, as in "Phu Q guys, I'm goin to the beach!" It's off the coast of Cambodia in the Gulf of Siam, and is considered Vietnam's premier resort spot. It's supposed to be pretty great.

By the way, Florent the monkey is history. My wasn't digging it either. It was fun for maybe an hour, like Monopoly. Actually, if not for the screaming and biting, we might've been good pals. But Florent buddy, you picked a different road. Via con Dios.

Saigon Today

Saigon is changing rapidly. It's changed alot since i left even- just six months ago.

Some of my old haunts are shut down, with other, bizarro joints in their places. High-rise buildings have sprouted up everywhere, and some streets are almost unrecognizable. There must be at least double the number of cars, and the traffic is really becoming an uncontrolable social evil.

Vietnam has instated a helmet law though, to the protestations of just about everyone. Someone is doing a good job of designing some stylish helmets though. My suggested i buy a bunch, paint designs on them and sell them. I think it could go over really well.

I'm gauging the rapidity of Saigon's growth first-hand. It's mindboggling. In a few years, Saigon, Vietnam is going to be a totally modern city and a VERY cool place to be.

Feeling Better

Thanks to the gracious attentions of My and Hien I am feeling much better now. I tell you what, there's nothing better for what ails you than a couple vietnamese women armed with spicy soups. I pity the flu.


We've been laying around listening to the palm trees brush against the balcony, and it's been quite cool here on the river. My is renting a new house which i'll talk about later. It's all very pleasant here, all except for this damn monkey My bought. He's not long for this world.

I didn't get an acceptable answer when i asked her why she bought this thing. She was driving around town and saw it on the side of the road for sale for 80,000 dong ($5) I guess she just decided that it was time to have a monkey. It's a total bastard and i'll have none of it. It hardly ever leaves you alone, and if i leave the window/vent in the bathroom open at night, he gets into the bedroom and harasses us. And pees. And poos. And then you have to catch him to get him out. But he don't wanna go out. Damn this monkey.

I may soon have blood on my hands.

Troi oi

So i didn't do much in Phnom Penh because i've been furiously sick. I literally couldn't get out of bed all day the other day due to a lovely fever. I tell you one thing, traveling around in Southeast Asia while feverishly ill SUCKS.

I made it to Vietnam though, but My never got my email and my phone was dead so i waited around for an hour and then got a taxi to My's folks' house. They were excited to see me, but i felt bad because i was so ill. Not an entrance i would have wanted.

My took me home though and is taking care of me. Freshly squeezed OJ. Strawberry shakes. Pirated DVDs.

Incidentally, when the vietnamese dub a movie, for some reason they only use one actress for all of the voices. And she doesn't even try to differentiate between the characters, or include ANY emotional nuances. I don't know how the vietnamese can understand it. Looks and sounds very confusing to me. Another thing i wonder about is the fact that there's only ONE woman who does this for each and every movie dubbed in vietnamese. Is it because the industry here is so cheap, or is this girl just so good the public demands her? Who IS this girl?? I gotta find out.

Phnom Penh

PhnomPenh- city of writers, spies, dissidents, bloody military coups, pirates, and women so fast they demonstrate the doppler effect. This is quite possibly the rawest, most lawless place on the planet. I'll be here for a few days. I can't help myself. Keep me in your prayers.

For a good bit of the afternoon i've been sitting in a rattan chair on top of the Foreign Correspondents Club, drinking vodka and clamato. A little later I think I'll be ready to go fire some guns. Maybe even a rocket launcher. There's a place you can do that, no lie.

Garcon! Take me to bang bang!

I'll get it all out of my system soon. Just need a fix.

Korean love

The flight was with a Korean carrier, which was a cool experience. They keep you fed, that's for sure. And what do you think was on the in-flight tv? That's right- Korean soap operas- 4 glorious channels. And what did i do for most of the 16 hours to Cambodia?

You know what i did. I ate beef bowl and kim chee and watched Korean soap operas.

Korean stewardess: You want something drinks?

Cambodian passenger: Please to have we ate.

stewardess: you ate?

cambodian: no, WE ate.

stewardess: you want something drinks?

cambodian: Yez, WE ATE- tomato juice!

[canned laughter]

Bon Voyage

Leaving tomorrow morning for Phnom Penh, Cambodia, via Seoul, Korea. Next time you hear from me, I'll be sipping cocktails on the Raffles Hotel terrace overlooking the Mekong, looking like a young Mark Twain.

I leave you with this Lemon Jelly tune. Bisous!

Princess Satoko

Shinashi Satoko is Japan's mixed martial arts queen. She is 26-2, and has only been beaten by this girl down below, Hisae Watanabe. Watanabe has some sweet muay thai kicks, but Satoko is a bulldog!

Watch this video of this little girl (4'8") beating the tar out of all these poor women. A couple guys have to carry one of these girls away... I think I'm developing a severe crush.

Hadouken!!

Bangkok Pop

Loving the Bangkok pop. This is Groovy Airline. I like the way they blend the stylings of E.L.O. and Stereolab and sing it in Thai.