So i got some crazy vietnamese medicine for my illness, and i wonder if the bottle lists "brain teleportation" as a side effect, because i think i've lost it. Last night while laying in bed I convinced myself that I'd discovered the cure for gravity, as well as linear, physics-based travel. I was in deep. They really should've warned me. I'm not sure how much more of this weirdo disease I can take.
On the whole though, I'm feeling better, so don't worry too much.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Another thing
Robbery has been a hot topic recently. Hien's fiance got his cellphone stolen, as did Trang. Trang had spent all her savings , $400, on her new phone, only to have it stolen out of her pocket.
A couple weeks ago, My and I went to have coffee with this guy who had called her up. He was a friend of a friend, and My had only met him twice. So when we got there he was all weird that i was there, so i guessed he had wanted to be alone with her. He asked to use her phone because his battery was dead, took it into the hall, and we never saw him again.
Is the world such a bitch that we have to steal our friends' phones to get by? Is it really that rough? What a jerk.
A couple weeks ago, My and I went to have coffee with this guy who had called her up. He was a friend of a friend, and My had only met him twice. So when we got there he was all weird that i was there, so i guessed he had wanted to be alone with her. He asked to use her phone because his battery was dead, took it into the hall, and we never saw him again.
Is the world such a bitch that we have to steal our friends' phones to get by? Is it really that rough? What a jerk.
Serious Hurt
Things have been rough lately. I've been really ill with the Jomba Womba Blackwater Fungal Virus for the past four days. I've been hallucinating like crazy. I woke up the other night convinced i was on an alien world, participating in some sort of alien death sport. I seriously did not remember where i was for twenty minutes, and it really scared me. At another point I thought I had two different identities/ manifestations and I could switch in and out of the two different bodies at will. Both were really sick.
Last night at some point, some guy climbed three stories up the side of the house and crept into the room in which we were sleeping and stole my camera and two phones. I have no idea when this happened. I wasn't sleeping much, so it surprises me i didn't wake up. The German Shepard was right outside the bedroom door.
So adding insult to injury, there will be no more photos until i get another camera.
Oh yeah, I also have this tight deadline on a project i haven't started. Last night i got a computer virus because My wanted to see Paris Hilton naked, and the computer won't start. So hooray for me.
I'm going back to bed.
Except I won't sleep, if not because of the Voodoo-Swamprot-Fever i have, then because of the noise the neighbors are making with their new karaoke get-up they bought using the money they got from selling my camera.
Last night at some point, some guy climbed three stories up the side of the house and crept into the room in which we were sleeping and stole my camera and two phones. I have no idea when this happened. I wasn't sleeping much, so it surprises me i didn't wake up. The German Shepard was right outside the bedroom door.
So adding insult to injury, there will be no more photos until i get another camera.
Oh yeah, I also have this tight deadline on a project i haven't started. Last night i got a computer virus because My wanted to see Paris Hilton naked, and the computer won't start. So hooray for me.
I'm going back to bed.
Except I won't sleep, if not because of the Voodoo-Swamprot-Fever i have, then because of the noise the neighbors are making with their new karaoke get-up they bought using the money they got from selling my camera.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Nga
Nga is a girl who lives here. She is from the countryside in the mountains outside of Hue. She has a bubble wrap fetish, and she shares Hien's attraction to the Godfather Theme- so she walks around the house popping bubble wrap and humming the Godfather theme.
But that's neither here nor there.
In the countryside of Vietnam, daughters still fetch a price from the groom. Since the bride's family is losing a fine, sturdy work animal, they need something in return, you know?
So listen up parents- this is what your daughter is worth:
10 cows.
5 ducks.
$30,000,000 dong ($2000)
This is how much a person is worth. If Nga gets married, this is what her family gets.
But that's neither here nor there.
In the countryside of Vietnam, daughters still fetch a price from the groom. Since the bride's family is losing a fine, sturdy work animal, they need something in return, you know?
So listen up parents- this is what your daughter is worth:
10 cows.
5 ducks.
$30,000,000 dong ($2000)
This is how much a person is worth. If Nga gets married, this is what her family gets.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
You might be in Vietnam if...
There is ice in your beer. On purpose.
There is a duck's tongue in your soup. On purpose.
When large trucks back up, you hear them play "jingle bells" as an alarm.
There are 2-3 unknown people living in your house.
Everywhere you go, you see random playing cards scattered on the pavement.
Your living room is clogged with motorbikes.
You hear "we wish you a merry christmas" as someone's ringtone.
People steal your dog to eat it.
People steal your cat to eat it.
There is a duck's tongue in your soup. On purpose.
When large trucks back up, you hear them play "jingle bells" as an alarm.
There are 2-3 unknown people living in your house.
Everywhere you go, you see random playing cards scattered on the pavement.
Your living room is clogged with motorbikes.
You hear "we wish you a merry christmas" as someone's ringtone.
People steal your dog to eat it.
People steal your cat to eat it.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Vietnamese Grilled Mussels
Do yourself a favor and try this. It's way easy.
Get a bunch of your favorite fresh bivalves on a half shell. I recommend mussels, but clams will do. Set them aside.
Sautee some green onions in some oil (or butter) and drizzle all that on the mussels. Then crush some black pepper in a small dish and generously squirt lime juice all over that and mix it together- for the dipping. Add some crushed chilis if you like that.
Then place the mussles on the grill (still in the shell) and grill them for a bit. While you're doing that, roast some peanuts in the oven. Crush the peanuts and sprinkle them on the mussels when they look done. Add some cilantro if you like.
Ngon lam- an di!
Get a bunch of your favorite fresh bivalves on a half shell. I recommend mussels, but clams will do. Set them aside.
Sautee some green onions in some oil (or butter) and drizzle all that on the mussels. Then crush some black pepper in a small dish and generously squirt lime juice all over that and mix it together- for the dipping. Add some crushed chilis if you like that.
Then place the mussles on the grill (still in the shell) and grill them for a bit. While you're doing that, roast some peanuts in the oven. Crush the peanuts and sprinkle them on the mussels when they look done. Add some cilantro if you like.
Ngon lam- an di!
Monday, February 11, 2008
Engrish Songs
Southeast Asians don't know alot of songs in english, but the ones they do know they like A LOT. Here's a countdown of the top favorites in Vietnam.
4.) Country Roads- John Denver
I don't understand the appeal. It's an old, fairly obscure, bad song. I guess it's not horrible, but nothing explains to me why every single person in Vietnam knows the words.
3.) Zombie- The Cranberries
Again, I don't get it. It's one of those songs I was done with in the first few listenings back in the 90's. They go batty over this song here, and i even learned it on guitar to satisfy all the requests for it. If I hear it one more time, I'm offing myself.
2.) Hello- Lionel Richie
Finally something i can get behind. I'd prefer "Easy", but I'll take what i can get.
At least once a day I hear somone singing this song. I think they like this song because it's a sad love song in a minor key. For some reason that strikes a chord with these people.
1.) Hotel California- The Eagles
I swear to God, if I have a nemesis in this world, this song is it. I have heard this song so many times here, I have developed an intense, living relationship with it. I have analyzed the grammar in every verse, I have conversations with it, and i think i could sing it word for word, back to front. It dwells in the dark domain of my nightmares, and I am interred in its prison of torment.
I stab it with my steely knife but i just can't kill the beast.
4.) Country Roads- John Denver
I don't understand the appeal. It's an old, fairly obscure, bad song. I guess it's not horrible, but nothing explains to me why every single person in Vietnam knows the words.
3.) Zombie- The Cranberries
Again, I don't get it. It's one of those songs I was done with in the first few listenings back in the 90's. They go batty over this song here, and i even learned it on guitar to satisfy all the requests for it. If I hear it one more time, I'm offing myself.
2.) Hello- Lionel Richie
Finally something i can get behind. I'd prefer "Easy", but I'll take what i can get.
At least once a day I hear somone singing this song. I think they like this song because it's a sad love song in a minor key. For some reason that strikes a chord with these people.
1.) Hotel California- The Eagles
I swear to God, if I have a nemesis in this world, this song is it. I have heard this song so many times here, I have developed an intense, living relationship with it. I have analyzed the grammar in every verse, I have conversations with it, and i think i could sing it word for word, back to front. It dwells in the dark domain of my nightmares, and I am interred in its prison of torment.
I stab it with my steely knife but i just can't kill the beast.
Saturday, February 09, 2008
The Mekong Delta
We went to Ben Tre in the Mekong Delta for a couple days to visit an unending string of relatives.
Life in the Mekong Delta progresses at the pace of a retarded, pregnant water buffalo. In fact, you have to use time lapse photography to make sure it's moving at all. It's a vietnamese farmer's life there- not a single luxury. My's relatives have all manner of food animals, fruit trees, and random thatched buildings, though. While out exploring the grounds, I felt like I was going to stumble upon a squad of G.I.s with zippos, kicking pigs out of their way- it was just like the movies.
At one point I was stuck drinking with an uncle and his buddies while My went off to gut a chicken or something. These unruly characters virtually forced me to drink from an unmarked bottle. They said it was vodka, but brother, it AIN'T vodka. No vodka looks like pond water. Then i realized that the heap of meat in a bowl on the table was actually a barbecued goat head. Who eats a goat head? Gross, guys.
Then the uncle scooped out the eyes and plopped them in my bowl. He told me - through sign language- that if I ate them, I'd get an erection (?). I guess he meant I'd be all virile. Nevertheless, my running rule is that if I know it's an eyeball, and I watch it being plucked from the socket, I don't eat it.
Later I discovered that I was sitting amidst a group of Former Viet Cong guerrilas. They were very proud and excited to tell me- one of them ran home to get his medals. "See?- I killed me a buncha you guys!"
The whole scene took on a surreal quality for me. Here I was in the middle of the Vietnamese countryside, the only American in the company of six drunk, unpredictable Viet Cong freedom fighters. It felt like that scene in The Deerhunter, except I was saved by lunch before the pistols came out.
They all were nice enough though. None of them were at all phased to learn that I was American. Not a flinch from any of them. That seems really strange to me. I wish I could crawl into their heads and see what's really going on.
Life in the Mekong Delta progresses at the pace of a retarded, pregnant water buffalo. In fact, you have to use time lapse photography to make sure it's moving at all. It's a vietnamese farmer's life there- not a single luxury. My's relatives have all manner of food animals, fruit trees, and random thatched buildings, though. While out exploring the grounds, I felt like I was going to stumble upon a squad of G.I.s with zippos, kicking pigs out of their way- it was just like the movies.
At one point I was stuck drinking with an uncle and his buddies while My went off to gut a chicken or something. These unruly characters virtually forced me to drink from an unmarked bottle. They said it was vodka, but brother, it AIN'T vodka. No vodka looks like pond water. Then i realized that the heap of meat in a bowl on the table was actually a barbecued goat head. Who eats a goat head? Gross, guys.
Then the uncle scooped out the eyes and plopped them in my bowl. He told me - through sign language- that if I ate them, I'd get an erection (?). I guess he meant I'd be all virile. Nevertheless, my running rule is that if I know it's an eyeball, and I watch it being plucked from the socket, I don't eat it.
Later I discovered that I was sitting amidst a group of Former Viet Cong guerrilas. They were very proud and excited to tell me- one of them ran home to get his medals. "See?- I killed me a buncha you guys!"
The whole scene took on a surreal quality for me. Here I was in the middle of the Vietnamese countryside, the only American in the company of six drunk, unpredictable Viet Cong freedom fighters. It felt like that scene in The Deerhunter, except I was saved by lunch before the pistols came out.
They all were nice enough though. None of them were at all phased to learn that I was American. Not a flinch from any of them. That seems really strange to me. I wish I could crawl into their heads and see what's really going on.
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Chuc Mung Nam Moi!
It's officially the year of the rat. You wouldn't believe the amount of Mickey Mouse rip-off merchandise.
Last year was the year of the golden pig. It only comes around once in a hundred years, and it's supposed to be very lucky for the person who is born during it. Consequently, couples got pretty busy last year- so busy that come year end, the hospitals were full. They had to turn people away.
This year is the Earth Rat. This is a picture of me as a Fire Rabbit, before i realized I am actually a Wood Rabbit. I was crushed - fire rabbits rule.
Last year was the year of the golden pig. It only comes around once in a hundred years, and it's supposed to be very lucky for the person who is born during it. Consequently, couples got pretty busy last year- so busy that come year end, the hospitals were full. They had to turn people away.
This year is the Earth Rat. This is a picture of me as a Fire Rabbit, before i realized I am actually a Wood Rabbit. I was crushed - fire rabbits rule.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
The Fruit!
I'm posting this so I can make a list of the fruits that I see on a daily basis. I eat at least five of these each day.
Pineapple, Soursop, Oranges, Limes, Clementines, Rambutan, Durian, Jackfruit, Strawberries, Apples, Cherries, Mangosteens, Dragon Fruit, Passion Fruit, Star Fruit, Bananas, Longan, Lychee, Star Apple, Mango, Green Mango, Polemo, Sapodilla, Papaya, Custard Apple (yum), Guava, Watermelon, Water Apple.
That's not all i'm sure. I keep discovering new ones, and some I don't know the names of yet.
Monday, February 04, 2008
Suoi Tien
Check your sanity at the door kids, you are now entering Saigon's only insanity-themed amusement park, Suoi Tien.
Take every crazy dream and fantasy you've had about Asia, and add a generous dose of Alice in Wonderland, and you've got Suoi Tien. I felt like i was walking into an Asian version of Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory.
They've got buildings shaped like dragons, enormous turtles, a waterpark inside a mountain, a Unicorn Palace, the Forest of the Magician's Kingdom, rollercoasters that go underground, and an Imperial Dream Castle.
They even have a haunted pagoda where you can descend into Vietnamese hell.
After experiencing Vietnamese Hell, I have come to the conclusion that Vietnamese haunted houses are the scariest haunted houses ever conceived. I have several reasons for that.
1). The confusion factor. I don't understand what these demons are screaming at me. If i understood, perhaps i could reason with them.
2.) The Vietnamese have a different scale on which to judge scariness. It has to be damn frightenening to pass as scary in Vietnam.
3.) The special effects are so low budget, I'm not even sure they're special effects. That girl's entrails looked really convincing.
After that I had to chill out by visiting the Crocodile Kingdom, where i relaxed by feeding vicious maneating crocodiles pork livers on the end of a stick.
Take every crazy dream and fantasy you've had about Asia, and add a generous dose of Alice in Wonderland, and you've got Suoi Tien. I felt like i was walking into an Asian version of Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory.
They've got buildings shaped like dragons, enormous turtles, a waterpark inside a mountain, a Unicorn Palace, the Forest of the Magician's Kingdom, rollercoasters that go underground, and an Imperial Dream Castle.
They even have a haunted pagoda where you can descend into Vietnamese hell.
After experiencing Vietnamese Hell, I have come to the conclusion that Vietnamese haunted houses are the scariest haunted houses ever conceived. I have several reasons for that.
1). The confusion factor. I don't understand what these demons are screaming at me. If i understood, perhaps i could reason with them.
2.) The Vietnamese have a different scale on which to judge scariness. It has to be damn frightenening to pass as scary in Vietnam.
3.) The special effects are so low budget, I'm not even sure they're special effects. That girl's entrails looked really convincing.
After that I had to chill out by visiting the Crocodile Kingdom, where i relaxed by feeding vicious maneating crocodiles pork livers on the end of a stick.
Sunday, February 03, 2008
Cu Mum
This boy is My's sister's kid. His name is Mum. But that's not his real name. Mum is short for "Cu Mum", which translates to, no joke, "Odd Penis".
Apparently he's got a strange looking penis, or at least he did as a baby, and the women in the family wouldn't let it go. So here he is at thirteen, still unable to shake this awful nickname. I think I'd disown my family for that. Whenever he's talking to girls he has to answer to "Odd Penis" when his family talks to him. It's such a tragedy.
Friday, February 01, 2008
Banh Chung
Banh Chung is a traditional food for Tet. It's a "cake" of sorts, made from pork, green beans, and rice- all wrapped up in banana leaves and steamed. The packages are cooked over a fire in a huge aluminum cooker for 20 hours. Then they are offered as gifts to friends and family for new year.
My's mom made tons of these. She's the only one in the family that knows how to make them. When she's gone, there'll be no more Banh Chung. I asked My why she never learned.
"I'm not around much."
Sounds like a cop out.
My's mom made tons of these. She's the only one in the family that knows how to make them. When she's gone, there'll be no more Banh Chung. I asked My why she never learned.
"I'm not around much."
Sounds like a cop out.
Thank you for grabbing my tit.
The french word "beaucoup" sounds dangerously close to the vietnamese words "bop yeu" ( lit. "grab tit"). So to the untrained vietnamese ear, "merci beaucoup" might as well be "thanks for grabbing my tit." Whenever someone says "merci beaucoup", Na tattles to her mom, because that's just vulgar.
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